So, I’m finally blogging.
I’ve had some things on my mind lately that I haven’t been able to shake. The kind of things that interrupt sleep and disquiet the soul, things I ponder to no avail and still fail to understand.
Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurt? Have you put in the work required to see the end you desire? Have you ever envisioned something so long that thing becomes reality for you? Has a reality you carefully constructed come crashing down unexpectedly, shattering to pieces to exist no more forever?
I’ve swallowed some hard pills this year. I’ve taken some L’s. I’ve suffered some losses that have shaken me to the core. And I’ve got this complex yo, one that says that I can fix things when they aren’t right. I’ve believed that if you work hard enough toward anything, that you can have whatever it is you’re seeking. But I learned this year, in a painful way, that there are some things, despite of how hard you’ve worked for them, you just can’t have. I’ve learned that you can pull up your sleeves and go to work but there are times when you just can’t right the wrongs. I’ve learned that people generally get what they deserve but that in this life you will endure some things you simply Do Not deserve.
But here is what I will say. I’m learning that there are things that I cannot change, things I cannot fix. I’m learning also that there are some things I can. I’m learning that if I’m patient and if I’m still, God shows me the difference between the two.
Pain creates opportunity for growth and if you allow it, the chance to restructure your life into something beautiful. Take that chance every time it presents itself. I loved a man once with the fierceness and tenacity of a bona fide woman and he showed me who he was and broke my heart. But I can say to him now, you broke me…but I’m healing. I can say, you took from me without giving in return but what you took I’m rebuilding. I can say that I’m wiser now because of what you did and that I’m a better me without you than I was with you.
Now, I celebrate myself and sing my own song. I wait for no one to sing of my worth. I’m living my life and I’m excited about the possibilities it holds. I’m laughing again and having fun again. I’m learning that we’re in a recession and that there a few good men looking for work and that there is no need to try to retain one who has the job but refuses to show up for work. I’m giving myself the things I deserve and spending my time with people who are more worthy of it.
Ladies, when you love a man, love him hard and strong. But never love a man until you disappear. And ladies, and gentlemen alike, never settle for less than you deserve; you’ll always end up with less than what you settled for.
Love yourself. Celebrate yourself. Sing yourself.