Okay, so it’s been way too long since I’ve blogged. Well here goes. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how African American men and women relate to each other. Honestly yo, these are the kinds of things that pull at my heartstrings and deeply sadden me. Far too often I’ve heard men refer to women as b@tches and h@es, bust downs and broads when they should be calling them queens, and sisters, life bearers, good things, beautiful. Just as frequently I’ve heard women refer to men as n*ggas and dogs, trifling and no good when they should be calling them kings, and brothers, warriors, protectors, strong. I’ve seen beautiful black men and women tear each other down instead of building one another up. And when we aren’t tearing each other down, we are speaking different languages and gross misunderstandings ensue. I’m at a loss sometimes because there is so much darn work to do, where is a girl to start?
Well, let’s just get some fundamental truths out of the way. Men, it’s not cool, NEVER cool, to degrade a woman, call her out her name, view her as nothing more than tits and a_____ to be used for sexual pleasure alone, never cool to put your hands on her violently, to undervalue her and refuse to give her mad respect when she steps up and does the things that naturally you should do when YOU refuse to handle your business. Ladies, it’s not cool, NEVER cool, to disrespect a man, to emasculate him, to provoke him to violence because you know he “won’t” hit a woman, to treat him like a subordinate in wait of orders, to under-appreciate the fact that he puts in work to be with your difficult self and to pimp out the coo-coo for cash and then be hurt when you’re treated like a prostitute- someone who engages in sexual activity for cash.
Men, stop hating on other men who are more established than you are, more financially secure, emotionally healthy and mature, who actually want to be in loving, committed, monogamous relationships. Ladies, stop competing with women who are prettier than you are, better put together, more ready to give and receive love than you are and thus have men, whose lives aren’t necessarily better but rather different than yours.
We have to do better y’all. We have to start edifying each other and adding value to one another’s lives.
In a world, where as an African American woman, I am bombarded with images of educated- but ever perceived as sexually loose- women (who most certainly won’t get married because that’s what statistics say, *side eye*) in hues akin to my own caramel canvas, I can’t tell you how much a genuine compliment makes my day. I can imagine this is true for a number of other women. When a man tells me I’m beautiful and then, get this, WALKS AWAY, I love it! When he doesn’t ask me for my number or if I have a man, when he’s not looking at me as if he’s undressing me, when he simply wants to pay me a sincere compliment, it makes me feel great. FTW! When a woman tells me she thinks I’m a cool chick, or that I’m pretty, or compliments an outfit, when she does anything aside from waiting to snicker with her girls about how I’m not this or that or snarl and look at me like I’m competing with her for only God knows what, it makes me feel great.
It’s sad, but I think that we’re so nasty with each other and so rarely take the time to show just plain decent consideration, that we don’t often know how to act when people are genuinely just being nice. If you’re a woman and you’re nice to another woman, unfortunately, because she’s not used to it, she may think you have ulterior motives. And Lord knows, that if you are a woman and you are simply being nice to an established, fairly attractive (or not even) man, you run the risk of him thinking you’re into him and are trying to get on. Men, get over yourselves, PLEASE. And, if a committed relationship is what you want, dude look around because there are tons of lovely wholesome women to choose from. Admit the issue is often that you want her to come terribly close to perfection. Well, that’s not going to happen for everyone- so let’s just be realistic. And ladies, some of us are so starved for attention, that if a man tells us that we’re beautiful and walks away, we CHASE his behind down and become CONVINCED GOD said he’s our husband, smh. Take a compliment as a compliment and keep it moving. If a man is interested, he’ll make it known and he won’t mind working for you like you’re worth it. And when he does work for you and you decide to give him your heart, treat him right and stop making him pay for all of the mistakes of the men who preceded him. He’s not them!
I’m just saying, in my Marvin Gaye voice, we’ve got to find a way to bring some lovin’ here today…to bring some understanding here today.
So let me start the discourse on a day that tons of people are playing a numbers game on FB telling each other what they think about each other. Well, there are some people, some I talk to regularly and some not so much, that I have mad respect for. I just want to throw love your way because you’re that awesome.
Kevie- You my n_____ if we don’t get no bigger, lol! Girl, there are times that I don’t like you but I love you fiercely EVERYDAY. I will fight for you because I believe in you like I believe in myself.
Tia- I’m soooooo glad that you are a part of my life. I crack up every time I think about you declaring that you couldn’t stand me when you saw me at orientation and ironically we became friends the very FIRST day of high school.
Ash- honey there are no words to describe how much I love you babes. You are the kind of friend that only God could build from scratch. You have enriched my life in ways untold. I am proud to be your best friend, to have been the one standing beside you at your wedding and to be Godmother to that lovely child of yours. You are the kind of woman for whom such a word is deserved.
Latrice- You and I are as different as fire and ice, but even still, there is no mistaking that the same blood that runs through my veins runs through yours. We have fought over the years like only sisters fight, but just like sisters our bond is a special one. I love you girl; you have one of the biggest hearts I’ve ever seen. Really.
Moya- you are a freaking rock star. We don’t talk all of the time but I’ve always considered you a friend, not a designation I give to many. I had some good times with you at HU. Your love for Christ and your authenticity with Him is inspiring. I’ve got mad love for you and I’m so excited for you and your budding family.
Janine- girl no matter how much time passes, I can pick up the phone and we pick up just where we left off. I love you girl and will always be in your corner. You give me the freedom to be my whole self with you and I want you to know that you really can do the same. And boy, we’ve had some LAUGHS over the years.
Alfia, Diane, Robinzina, Tiffany, Valencia, Tarsha, Domekka, Marsa, Bridgette- I won’t even start to try to describe how much you mean to me. I think you’re all such fabulous women and I want to be the kind of sister that makes you proud.
Kiesha- You are crazy as all get out but I love you so much. You once joked about being a butterfly in another life (I crack up whenever Kevie tells that story) but I think that rings true. You’ve endured so much, but everyday you spread your wings and soar above it all.
Autumn- Boy am I glad my Aunt Rosie put us in contact. It would be a shame if I had gone on without the pleasure of ever making your acquaintance. We met as adults, but I feel like I’ve known you a lifetime. I guess blood’s like that.
Mecole- I think you’re beautiful- inside and out- and I’m so glad that we’ve become friends. Who would’ve thunk it, lol.
Nikki, Raquel, Tymesha, Sheena- ladies, you all were my homegirls in high school. You were the cause of all of the foolishness we’d get into when we really should have been paying attention in class, lol. And you were genuinely there when my parents died. I’ll always appreciate that.
Shayla- I’m grateful for you girl. I respect your strong convictions and recognize you as a true woman of God. I really pray that God grants you all of your heart’s desires because you deserve it.
Bashiri- I’ve got so much respect for you as a man of God and I’m humbled by the simplicity of your love for him. I appreciate being able to spend time working with and getting to know you as we prepared for the Assembly. Every time I’m crunching on ice at work, I chuckle.
Curtis Monday- You know I love you right. I’ll always appreciate that you opened up your home to an emotionally disturbed teen girl -who does that- who you claim ate ALL THE HONEY B’s, lol!
Walter- I’m honored to have a brother like you. Truly. I hope you get from life all that your heart desires.
Aaron- dude, I appreciate your heart for God. I’m proud of the man that you have become and view you as a true brother.
LaDarris- I think the world of you man. You’re not just a friend, you’re family.
Mr. Beckham- I threaten you everyday! But seriously, I see greatness in you and just want to encourage you to keep striving to be all that God wants you to be.
Mike- I’m glad that Shayla introduced us. I think you’re such a nice guy. Thanks for always coming out and showing your support. I’m so happy for you and your recent engagement. I like to see nice guys win 🙂
Okay, there are too many of you to name, so this is not a conclusive list by any means. I’m simply saying that I want to be the kind of friend that builds you up and speaks life and love to you. I appreciate you for who you are. That is all.